Welcome back to the wonderful world of white wine tears, roses, grammatical incorrectness and two-month journeys toward engagement. That’s right, “The Bachelor” has returned — this time with Chris Soules, the all-American, corn-loving #PrinceFarming at its helm. This season, we’ll be recapping the highlights of each episode.
7 Things We Learned From Farmer Chris’ Premiere
1. “Love is a lot like farming.” Plow her field? Plant a seed (of love)? We can look forward to many farming-related puns in the weeks to come. Farmer Chris will never live down his choice of career in the “Bachelor” world, but we’re OK with that.
2. Arlington, Iowa is filled with old white men, Chris Soules, and one hairstyle for women. We got to catch a few glimpses of Chris’ hometown, where his future lady love will presumably move. (Our fair Bachelor is a commercial farmer, so there’s no way he’s leaving his quaint 400-person town — and his livelihood — for the big city … or medium city … or large village.) Last night we saw Chris hangin’ with his bros, who happen to be white dudes exclusively over the age of 65, and we were introduced to a few women Chris grew up with. Spoiler alert: They all had Kate Gosselin hairdos.
3. Not every event needs a red carpet. For some confusing reason, ABC decided that two hours of “The Bachelor” wasn’t enough. Apparently, what the premiere really needed was an hour-long live red carpet where old “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” contestants loitered, chatted it up with Chris Harrison and took selfies with screaming women. To the powers that be: Please never do this again.
4. Sport Fishing Enthusiast is a viable career path. Who knew? Add this to the list of creative faux careers featured on “The Bachelor” franchise. Prince Farming’s cast of “amazing women” also includes a freelance journalist, an executive assistant, a chiropractic assistant, a dental assistant (who has a son named Kale), a news producer, a cruise ship singer, a flight attendant, a fertility nurse, a widowed guidance counselor and a crazy-eyed ballet instructor. True diversity … of jobs. There’s still only one woman of color in the 30.
5. It’s acceptable to discuss baby-making and/or human tissue on a first date. Other topics of conversation on last night’s premiere included the complexity of onions, Chris’ karaoke selections (Tim McGraw and Faith Hill songs), the six-step and the parallels between the holidays and “The Bachelor.” “It’s like Christmas morning, except your presents are women,” exclaims one of Chris’ suitors. No. NoNoNoNoNo.
6. Great first impressions are rewarded … with kisses. Hollywood waitress Britt, who according to her ABC profile loves Dave Eggers and David Foster Wallace, which will really earn her some brownie points with the snarky Twitter crowd, snagged both the first impression rose and the first kiss from our farmer. “I actually really like you!” she says. (No worries, Britt. We’re surprised too.)
7. If you get rejected, it’s probably best to accept defeat and move on. After Chris made the “gut-wrenching” decision to send home eight of the women he’d gotten to spend three minutes chit-chatting with — the emotional horror! — one of the contestants refused to slink off into the 6am sunrise limo. Kimberly (we think that’s her name?) returned to pull Chris aside, though we won’t see the inevitable uncomfortable outcome until next week.
And The Final Rose Goes To…
SAFE: Kaitlyn, Jade, Samantha, Ashley I., Tandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Megan, Alissa, Amber, Juelia, Becca, Trina, Mackenzie, Tracy, Tara (woo hoo!), Jordan, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Ashley S. (a.k.a. Onion Girl)
ELIMINATED: Amanda, Bo, Brittany, Kara, Kimberly, Michelle, Nicole, Reegan
This Season, On “The Bachelor”
Air balloons! Popping champagne! Iowa! Throwing leaves! Bikinis! Widow feels so lucky! No one is more genuine! Guns! Private concerts! This is amazing! Making out! Virgin! Stripping! Ashley is freaking out! Girl would rather chew glass than lose! Private tent hookups! Chris makes a mistake! Tears! More tears! Mascara tears! EMTs! More tears! Even more tears! Chris takes responsibility! Chris says women can go home! Widow gives Chris a second chance! Doubts wiped away! Kisses! More kisses! A future in Iowa! Chris tears!