TWITTER IS THE MANSON FAMILY I NEVER HAD
The social media Guru who said “Twitter should be used in moderation” could also probably stop at eating one Cheeto, or even open their eyes while sneezing. It’s a mindless addiction that screams “try and stop me!”.
Now, assuming you’re like most of us on Twitter, you live in a bunker, and manifest symptoms of mild autism and megalomania. You also have an abiding need to get something pointless and stupid off your chest.
So seriously, how do you start? Which key launches the nukes? It seems an endless salad bar without the spit guard. Somewhere you can come back for seconds, gloriously naked under that trench coat, and of course, wearing wet shoes.
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A DEEP END
Not to harsh your Twitter mellow, but what do you naturally aspire to? Ghost of soapy Tyler Durdan? Bikini Model spokesperson? Do you happily lick donuts? Well all you have to do is just close your eyes and click your heels, and take a shot of ether and get in touch with your weird side. It’s all waiting for you on the Internet’s wild wacked west.
You can be your own fantasy. The only thing limiting you are your limitations, and even that can snowball uphill on this thing.
HOW TO START
So for kicks, the first thing you do is follow some profoundly respected celebrity account, because by gosh, you’re both on Twitter and now practically related in an inbred way. You even feel kind of chummy, so you say ‘Hi’ to a Hilary or Katy or Kanye or Fitty, then wait for a response, and wait, all the while slipping deeper and deeper into Nyquil-tini haze.
The good news is you’re not alone — We all got our taste for Nyqil-tinis much the same way.
(At this point, most Twitter virgins experience Twitter fatigue, and must pop Twitter viagra. Just kidding, there is no Twitter viagra. Meth. We use meth).
THE SECRET TO LIFE IS KEEPING THE HOT FUDGE HOT
So now that you’ve been rebuffed, repulsed and repelled, any rational human, medicated or otherwise, would go for the pro-tip. Time to check in with the social media gurus. Y’know, the Swami guys with folded legs, sitting on mountain tops just typing on their laptops — right? Well, social media gurus are the Internet’s bottom feeders: they’ll just bite you on the butt, and feed on your bottom.
It’s the blind leading the blind into an open manhole. Bungee jumping into a burmese tiger trap. The Third base coach waving the runner into a snowblower.
I freely admit an unabashed lusting to become one of them. They’re like the High Priests of some primitive idolatrous cult. Hanging out on the deck of a Temple, just shooting the breeze after a hard day’s flinging sacrificial virgins into the volcano, and fertility rites. You just know you want into that action.
But let’s face it, Twitter is the dog run of social media. Land mines everywhere. You’re bound to step into a simmering pile of tweeting faux pas. Thankfully, with its attention span of a Jello shot, and collective memory loss, it’s always just like shaking the etch-a-sketch clean.
So it begs the question: Do you really need the social media guru sagacity and wisdom?
Here are some of my favorite rules not to follow very closely:
1. NEVER FOLLOW/FOLLOWBACK BLINDLY, IT HURTS YOUR BRAND
Because on Twitter, we aren’t people, we’re brands, and anything we post or do online affects the people following us. So be very careful not to give a sh**. Follow indiscriminately. Hit your daily following limit. Go directly to Twitter jail.
It’s a numbers game, and you only miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t drink. So bottoms up!
2.DON”T OBSESS OVER YOUR FOLLOWER COUNT
Your follower count is the dipstick of your relevancy — if you’re down a quart, you might as well leave it in the shop.
Again, Twitter is a numbers game — no one knows what’s really going on, so it’s the only indicator of your “eating at the cool table” factor. I can’t stress enough the importance of this, and it justifies its accomplishment by the most ruthless means possible. Attending Moabite fertility rites with stomach flu. Shipping off your in-firmed Eskimo grandparents on an ice floe as an amuse-bouche for polar bears. Promising you’ll call after a date and you don’t. It doesn’t matter. It’s for the greater good, your greater good.
And by the same token, if someone is not following you back after three days, unfollow them. If you have the time, block them. And if you have more time, also stick knitting needles into the ears and nostrils of their voodoo doll
Although personally, I start with the knitting needles on Day 2.
3. DIRECT MESSAGE:
TWITTER IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE DM’s
Whoa! Seriously? Never DM anyone! Never! Not even to poison control after Bill Cosby roofied you with radioactive Polonium 210.
Twitter is like self-medication for a broad spectrum of interesting characters, from the lithium-addled, insomniac vampires, to the bi-polar narcoleptic dominatrixes. No one wants to get a direct mail from a barnacle with suction cups, and a prescription for an electro-shock bite stick. The kind of stalkerish nut job who needs your opinion on what color thong is appropriate for an afternoon wedding. (Note to the style challenged: it’s all good).
Especially if you yourself have a nagging conscience. Blocking a Twitter crazy conjures up guilty visions of sugar plum fairies dancing on the subway platform, just before they jump. So avoid DMs as if it were the plague with bad breath.
3. DO FOLLOW PEOPLE YOU VALUE
MANY ARE CALLED, FEW ARE CHOSEN, AND EVEN LESS RSVP
Very few celebrities will send the elevator of success back down to the basement for us methane-breathing troglodytes. Unless they’re extraordinary human beings like Jim Gaffigan, who is quite literally the Dr. Albert Schweitzer of Comedians — just a kind, generous, giving human being and utterly hilarious — no wrong answers. But sadly, Jim can’t field everyone, so you have to blaze your own trail, while avoiding self-immolation like a Vietnamese Monk on a bender.
4. RETWEET REGULARLY
“WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE… PEE ON THEIRS
There is no honor among thieves, and no respect between Twitterers. Trust me, you will inevitably be disappointed, and the “Block” button will seem so wussy and ineffectual, especially compared with what you really want to do to them. Instead of RTing, just hit the ‘I told You So’ button.
This is so high school, that is, if you graduated from John Wayne Gacy High with degree in clown costumes. It’s lousy with fond memories of anti-social non-reciprocation: The old: ‘I’ll scratch your back, and you excoriate mine with a raclette swivel’.
5. ALWAYS USE ORIGINAL CONTENT
(to be continued)
— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS-Visit Mobile Playboy today for the hottest adult entertainment online!